A Vacation Dilemma: Are We Wrong for Not Letting Our Moms Join Our Cabo Trip?
In this AITA post, the user (who is engaged) shares a dilemma about their upcoming vacation to Cabo with their fiancé. They’ve been gifted an incredible opportunity: three free nights at a Hilton property, upgraded to a luxurious 2-bedroom villa at the Waldorf Astoria in Cabo, all for a bargain price of $500, thanks to their fiancé’s frequent traveler status and their dad’s cheap flights. The couple sees this as a rare and special chance to unwind before their wedding in August. However, their excitement is marred by the fact that both of their moms, who are very close to them, have expressed a desire to join. While the moms are lovely, the couple feels that their presence would disrupt the vacation’s dynamic, especially with wedding planning discussions dominating the trip. The fiancé is especially firm in not wanting the moms there, wanting a break from wedding talk, intimacy, and simply a chance to relax as a couple.
The user is torn between feeling guilty for not including their mothers in this once-in-a-lifetime trip and wanting to preserve the special opportunity for themselves. They’re seeking feedback on whether they’re being unreasonable for saying no.
Some mothers-in-law like to solve puzzles, others try to solve the mystery of why they weren’t invited on your couple’s vacation
One engaged couple scores a free luxury vacation before their wedding, feels guilty for not taking their moms with them when they drop hints
This dilemma highlights the ongoing tension between family obligations and the need for couples to carve out space for themselves. The situation centers around a seemingly simple request: moms want to join an exciting, special vacation that the couple has been gifted. On the surface, it may seem like a reasonable request given the moms’ ages and the desire for bonding time. However, when we consider the underlying complexities, such as the couple’s pre-wedding stress and the unique opportunity they’ve been given, the decision becomes far more nuanced.
Emotional Complexity: Navigating Guilt and Boundaries
At the heart of this situation is guilt. The couple feels torn because they love their mothers and want to make them happy. There’s an inherent desire to show appreciation and offer them a special experience—especially since their moms have hinted at jealousy over the opportunity. Yet, the couple also needs to prioritize their relationship and the chance to enjoy an intimate, relaxing vacation without interference. The dilemma here is one of emotional conflict: wanting to fulfill family expectations while still preserving the couple’s own desires and needs.
Psychologically speaking, this guilt is natural. In The Psychology of Family Dynamics by Dr. Laura Markham, she discusses how adult children often feel a sense of responsibility to accommodate their parents, especially as they grow older. There’s an ingrained cultural expectation that children care for their aging parents, and turning down their request can feel emotionally taxing. However, Markham emphasizes the importance of setting boundaries, particularly in moments when maintaining personal space is essential for a healthy relationship. In this case, the couple’s desire to preserve the sanctity of their vacation is valid and reflects their need for emotional and physical space before their wedding—a major life event.
The Role of Communication and Setting Boundaries
From a relational standpoint, setting boundaries is critical. As Therapist and Relationship Expert Dr. Jennifer M. Baker explains, boundaries are not about rejecting others but about protecting one’s own well-being. The couple’s decision to refuse their moms could be seen as a necessary step in preserving their own mental health and sense of self. This vacation is not only about relaxation but also about setting the tone for the wedding and the marriage itself. Having the space to disconnect from wedding planning, intimacy, and the constant presence of others allows them to re-center and focus on each other.
The key here is how the couple communicates this decision. Simply telling the moms “no” could cause tension, but framing it in a way that expresses the importance of this time for the couple’s relationship could help mitigate any hurt feelings. Using language that emphasizes the need for personal space and the special nature of the trip (rather than the moms being uninvited) is likely the best approach to ensure their feelings are respected.
Respecting Personal Time as a Couple
Research on couple time and relationship health underscores the importance of making time for each other outside of familial obligations. According to studies from the Journal of Marriage and Family Therapy, couples who prioritize their relationship by engaging in regular “couple-only” activities—whether vacations, date nights, or shared hobbies—report higher levels of satisfaction in their relationship. This trip, while not a honeymoon, offers an opportunity for the couple to strengthen their bond before their wedding. The presence of family members could inadvertently disrupt this dynamic, especially if the focus shifts from relaxing to managing expectations and accommodating others.
The couple’s decision to enjoy the vacation alone is also reflective of an important stage in their relationship: transitioning from family-centered roles to marital-centered roles. As they move toward marriage, carving out this space for themselves without interference is a positive, healthy choice.
Social and Cultural Considerations
There’s also a cultural element to consider here. In some cultures, family bonding is prioritized above all else, and rejecting the presence of family members on a vacation can feel like a betrayal. However, in many Western societies, couples are often encouraged to take personal time for their relationship, and this is widely respected. The couple’s decision not to include their moms may be seen as controversial within certain social circles, but it’s consistent with broader cultural shifts that emphasize the importance of self-care, relationship health, and setting boundaries.
Netizens say the poster and her fiancé are not jerks for not taking their moms with them, but suggest keeping details private next time
Ultimately, this is a situation in which the couple is not only exercising their right to protect their relationship but also demonstrating healthy boundaries in the face of family pressures. The guilt they feel is understandable, but it’s important to recognize that their desire to have private time before their wedding is perfectly valid. Whether they go about explaining their decision gently or directly, the key will be framing the conversation with empathy while standing firm in their need for space. If anything, this decision will set a healthy precedent for their future marriage, reinforcing the importance of prioritizing their relationship, even in the face of external expectations.
